I try not to wallow ... yeah, I've lost some zeal and I've been reclusive as of late. I don't wallow when I'm alone but rather when I see other's interactions with me. As a human, I feel ovewhelmed; as a follower of Christ I know that all of this is directed by His hand and I will be at peace with the path my life is going.
I by no means am comparing myself to Job - for that I am not by any means a "Job" - I have committed many sins and strive to elimintate sin from my life everyday but I have learned much from this book as of late.
Job 12 begining with vs. 13:"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and undertanding that are his... (vs.22) He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into light...(Ch 13 vs.1) My eyes ahve seen all this, my ears have heard and understood it."
Job 19:25 - "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth"
As I know these things - I know too that this too will past. I know the Lord will take care of me and the surgeons with my hysterectomy on Tuesday. It's hard to accept that I'm 32 and losing my fertility forever. It's such an integral part of being a female - and now I'm losing it. It's not that I need anymore kids - I have 4 beautiful kids. I just didn't expect this right now but I know it's more than likely the best decision but wow - very unexpected.
Jenn
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Happy Birthday!
My oldest darling, the queen of the Nintendo DS/Wii and Hannah Montana crazy daughter, turns 8 today! It's so hard to believe that 8 years ago, I gave birth to her almost to this exact minute as I am typing this post!
She has developed into an amazingly creative and spunky young lady. She can be easily enamored with the simplest of things and finds joy in many things from day to day. I love picking her up at the end of a long day of work. She giggles and tries to bowl me over by running and bumping into me while we're walking to the car until she can make me laugh! And once she gets that first solid belly laugh, she'll wrap her arms around my neck and give me a huge hug and tell me how much she missed me and that she hoped I had a good day. She is the silliest little person I have ever met and yet at times she has a very old soul. She is ingeniously intuitive when in comes to seeing past a person's exterior and body language to know how that person really feels at that time of day. I have seen her comfort her siblings and guide them through new tasks and trials with amazement at what a nurturer she already has become in 8 short years. And in a blink of an eye, she'll be talking in silly voices, trying to tell jokes, or just generally being a goofball just to get someone to smile and laugh. My little lady has grown up so very much in the past 2-3 years; it's been an amazing journey to watch her go through.
But she is such a tough nut to crack! You have to really knead out the inner workings of her mind and emotion to get to know what she's really feeling and thinking. It generally will come sparingly between tumultuous fits and protestations with tons of reassurance. She loves earnestly and openly - I swear she'd bring home every wandering animal to nurture it back to health and hide it in her already cluttered room just to know it was safe.
My favorite things about my sweetheart are her loves of art and reading. On any given day, you'll either find her immersed in a book and enveloped in the world of fantasy that book provides. She'll chatter about every tiny detail if you give her the opportunities. Either that, or you'll find her doodling on anything she can. She's had this remarkable ability to doodle and draw since she was very tiny - even before she can talk. I scanned one of her first recognisable pictures of piglet, drawn when she was barely 20 months old. She continues to amaze me with her artistic abilities!
Monday, February 11, 2008
A little more direction....
A dear friend of our family is battling one of the most important battles of his life, cancer. At first, I was completely shocked and then very angry at the possibility of the loss of this man who has become such a cherished individual to our family through his service to us as our family doctor. He has always put things into prospective and never minced words - what a powerful man and what a powerful message that he delivered at church and then through a post on his own blog. I fully believe that God brought him into my life especially with my division from my parents to guide me. He has sat quietly by over the past year and openly told me that he has prayed for me and for our family each visit. Then at the end of each visit, he began to openly pray with me when he noticed that I was no longer ruffled when he said he prayed for me.
I'm amazed at the irony of life that I've been directed and drawn so close to re-examining my spiritual life through the provision of worldly medicine to heal my physical body; but it's been the medicating of my spiritual body that has worked so much more effectively than the pharmalogical interventions that I have taken at his request. I never truthfully understood the statement that God works in mysterious ways. Especially after college, I wanted to vomit everytime someone said that phrase to me. As a couple and a family, we have suffered greatly over the past decade and it's a miracle that our family is still standing. And as I look at our family - both by birth and by choice - we have been surrounded by quiet counselors and guided gently by the smallest of interventions and the quick relationships that we have engaged in with others brought into our lives.
It's amazing how faithful the Lord's dedication has been to our family despite obstacles that seemed to great to overcome and hardened hearts that at times didn't want to hear His words. The Lord is faithful and really until hearing our beloved doctor speak, I felt lost as to where I personally wanted to go with my spiritual life and yet now it's clear. The Lord has been fighting with my heart to be open fully to Him and let my guard down. I have given Him every excuse in the book - from personality conflicts to discomforts around large groups of people to the unruliness of our kids. And the Devil has fought hard to keep those insecurities and fears going - but just like all that have been on the sidelines guiding us quietly through example with gentle nudges - the Lord has been faithful.
Personally, I'm facing another separation from my husband due to his military service and although I'm not looking forward to this new obstacle, I think it's coming at a good time for me personally. I can meet this challenge head on. I will personally be responsible for whatever way it takes me. I've been left with a tremendous opportunity to "find time" to interact and build my own relationships within our church and with the Lord. I've certainly relinquished worldly duties that have pulled me down emotionally and spiritually with tasks that I have taken on because I wanted to do certain things despite many signs from the Lord that I was obviously not going in His direction of purpose. I'd have to be the most foolish and hard-headed person to not see this opportunity for what it is.
Our beloved doctor has guided me lovingly as a father. I love and care for him as I would imagine I could love my father. I detest that he is going through all of this for: myself, our children, our church family, and most importantly his family. To see as many hearts as he's touched through his service to the Lord in his career and spiritual life, it's hard to not see this as anything but the Lord crying out to all of us to take a more aggressive leadership role in our own spiritual and personal lives and to stop allowing more mature individuals guide us to submission and to a life filled with the fruits of the Spirit. I am rendered speechless at his grace in fighting against this battle and his grace and quiet peace of heart and mind that he is showing through this personal battle of his. I don't think the message could be any clearer than if the Lord wrote us all a direct letter - what an amazing instrument of love and direction the Lord has given us through his thoughts that he so openly shared with us today.
I'm amazed at the irony of life that I've been directed and drawn so close to re-examining my spiritual life through the provision of worldly medicine to heal my physical body; but it's been the medicating of my spiritual body that has worked so much more effectively than the pharmalogical interventions that I have taken at his request. I never truthfully understood the statement that God works in mysterious ways. Especially after college, I wanted to vomit everytime someone said that phrase to me. As a couple and a family, we have suffered greatly over the past decade and it's a miracle that our family is still standing. And as I look at our family - both by birth and by choice - we have been surrounded by quiet counselors and guided gently by the smallest of interventions and the quick relationships that we have engaged in with others brought into our lives.
It's amazing how faithful the Lord's dedication has been to our family despite obstacles that seemed to great to overcome and hardened hearts that at times didn't want to hear His words. The Lord is faithful and really until hearing our beloved doctor speak, I felt lost as to where I personally wanted to go with my spiritual life and yet now it's clear. The Lord has been fighting with my heart to be open fully to Him and let my guard down. I have given Him every excuse in the book - from personality conflicts to discomforts around large groups of people to the unruliness of our kids. And the Devil has fought hard to keep those insecurities and fears going - but just like all that have been on the sidelines guiding us quietly through example with gentle nudges - the Lord has been faithful.
Personally, I'm facing another separation from my husband due to his military service and although I'm not looking forward to this new obstacle, I think it's coming at a good time for me personally. I can meet this challenge head on. I will personally be responsible for whatever way it takes me. I've been left with a tremendous opportunity to "find time" to interact and build my own relationships within our church and with the Lord. I've certainly relinquished worldly duties that have pulled me down emotionally and spiritually with tasks that I have taken on because I wanted to do certain things despite many signs from the Lord that I was obviously not going in His direction of purpose. I'd have to be the most foolish and hard-headed person to not see this opportunity for what it is.
Our beloved doctor has guided me lovingly as a father. I love and care for him as I would imagine I could love my father. I detest that he is going through all of this for: myself, our children, our church family, and most importantly his family. To see as many hearts as he's touched through his service to the Lord in his career and spiritual life, it's hard to not see this as anything but the Lord crying out to all of us to take a more aggressive leadership role in our own spiritual and personal lives and to stop allowing more mature individuals guide us to submission and to a life filled with the fruits of the Spirit. I am rendered speechless at his grace in fighting against this battle and his grace and quiet peace of heart and mind that he is showing through this personal battle of his. I don't think the message could be any clearer than if the Lord wrote us all a direct letter - what an amazing instrument of love and direction the Lord has given us through his thoughts that he so openly shared with us today.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
God's grace
Many times in life, we are touched by God's grace and love and walk blindly by without thinking. Sometimes it's hard in this life to step back and look at life from more than just a superficial glance. Extraordinary discoveries can make us stop and smell the roses and it's a shame that it can be only the in the face of uncertainty that we are drawn closer to that which we know exists for us daily.
It was said to me once that in the confronting sorrow, one can be led to a greater relationship with thy Savior. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever your face trials of many kinds" (Jam.1:2)" Yes, in pain and trials we can rejoice through the knowledge that we are saved and that nothing comes upon us except for that which passes through the Lord's hands first.
My hope for myself, my loved ones and any other family members in the brotherhood of Christ is that without sorrows we can consider our journey to be one of pure joy! That we will find that joy in the face of everyday activities and experiencing everyday life. Let it not be the sorrow and unknown be that which drives us onward to draw near to the Lord, but let it be the joy of watching your child pick a bouquet of clover to gift to you as the most beautiful group of flowers you have ever seen because of the love and purity of the gift from the heart of a child. Find that closeness in the Lord by marveling at a sunset and remembering that the Lord created all that is in this world in just seven days and that we are created in his image! Find that drive to draw near to the Lord not out of uncertainty and pain; although this can truthfully test the strength of your faith, but draw near just to draw near because ultimately that is the intimate relationship that the Lord desires to have with us on a daily basis.
I pray for all that I know that are suffering with sickness, discontent and other trials for strength, wisdom, peace and grace for this is the Lord's ultimate plan although its purpose is not clear at this moment. I pray in pure joy for all that I know that have an intimate and passionate relationship with the Lord - may you continue to build and expand your love for Him and be a beacon of light to all that you come into contact with so that others may find the peace and joy in living a life in the Lord's way!
It was said to me once that in the confronting sorrow, one can be led to a greater relationship with thy Savior. "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever your face trials of many kinds" (Jam.1:2)" Yes, in pain and trials we can rejoice through the knowledge that we are saved and that nothing comes upon us except for that which passes through the Lord's hands first.
My hope for myself, my loved ones and any other family members in the brotherhood of Christ is that without sorrows we can consider our journey to be one of pure joy! That we will find that joy in the face of everyday activities and experiencing everyday life. Let it not be the sorrow and unknown be that which drives us onward to draw near to the Lord, but let it be the joy of watching your child pick a bouquet of clover to gift to you as the most beautiful group of flowers you have ever seen because of the love and purity of the gift from the heart of a child. Find that closeness in the Lord by marveling at a sunset and remembering that the Lord created all that is in this world in just seven days and that we are created in his image! Find that drive to draw near to the Lord not out of uncertainty and pain; although this can truthfully test the strength of your faith, but draw near just to draw near because ultimately that is the intimate relationship that the Lord desires to have with us on a daily basis.
I pray for all that I know that are suffering with sickness, discontent and other trials for strength, wisdom, peace and grace for this is the Lord's ultimate plan although its purpose is not clear at this moment. I pray in pure joy for all that I know that have an intimate and passionate relationship with the Lord - may you continue to build and expand your love for Him and be a beacon of light to all that you come into contact with so that others may find the peace and joy in living a life in the Lord's way!
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